Life Goes On

This was the last pic I have of us.....when we found out the cancer had grown and spread. I laid with you in your chemo chair while you kept on fighting (and tickling my head). - You were the best!




My mom died.

My mom died 33 days ago.  She was 51.  Everyone reading this already knows this. (probably)

If it was a little while between blog posts I would get a simple two word email....."Update please"

I don't get those emails anymore.

If there was a dawn of a new day I would get a phone call "Just calling to chat"

I don't get those phone calls anymore.

It is so easy to cry.  So easy to be sad. It's so easy to wish this on someone else. and I do....all three....all the time. Sorry but not sorry.

95% of the time, I think I'm doing pretty darn good.  When my daughter mentions Grammy I don't even cry.  I just remind her that she is in heaven and Emma replies "Oh Heaben" and we continue on with our day.

As I write this, off the top of my head I know at least 6 people that have lost a parent. I wasn't there for them like they were there for me.  I didn't get it. Nobody gets it. Which is fine, actually a good thing. You shouldn't feel this pain unless it is hitting you in the face.

It was extremely personal and my mother perfectly orchestrated the moment she decided to leave this world. That's all I'll say about that.

And life goes on.......

Matthew is walking now. Running almost.  He is also trying to kill me.  The past 2 nights have been AWFUL!  Where did my perfect little boy go and why doesn't he sleep anymore? Growing pains?  I don't know, but all I know is, please don't keep this up for too long. He's lucky he's so darn cute and I'm lucky he can't speak english yet and repeat the things I say 2 am. ;)

Emma is turning into the cutest little lady.  I am so excited she's in the "kids say the darndest things" phase.  it's amazing and I could listen to her talk all day. Except when she isn't getting what she wants.  Every new age is a learning experience for DH and I.  We lose our patience but then we find it again and we work together and work against each other and find a balance every 3rd hour of the day with these kiddos.  Than we joke about having a third, HAHAHAHA!

NOT ANY TIME SOON!

Emma had a UTI a few weeks ago.  Had a fever go up to 104.  I would have called my mother but she wasn't there. instead DH and I figured it out together... and we made it.

I was having some issues a few weeks ago. I had an ovarian cyst, no big deal now, but at the time I was freaking out. I literally went down every name in my phone and said, ok, who is the most like mom I could call......I'm still looking.

Ok, going down the depressed road, but honestly I just wanna get these thoughts out, because once they are out, maybe they will stay out, at least for a little while.

And I'm not so alone. I have the best big sister in the freaking world. Who I could call about my child's fever and my own issues. And I do most times. She's the best. I wouldn't make it without her that's for sure. and I have a DH who sits right next to me at 3 am taking my daughter's temperature reading her books as I put a wet washcloth on her face, not making me do this alone. And I have a dad who listens to me about my ovarian cysts because he's pretty great too. I have a lot of people who love me. Life ain't so bad. - rant over

Anyway, we have a family wedding this weekend!!!! So excited. I'm a bridesmaid and it's just going to be a really nice time to enjoy love and life.  Did I mention it's on DH's side of the family so my 'oh so wonderful' sister is taking the kids - FOR TWO NIGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! HALLELUJAH!

Me and Bride to Be!

Some updated photos! :)