Tuesday, February 16, 2016

A Void

I'm what some would call, a joiner :)

I think I was a part of 15 extra-curricular activities in high school. Everything from Band to FBLA to Field Hockey. 

In college I was a wrestling manager by month 2 and on the field hockey club team.  

When I graduated and moved to Baltimore I joined Girls in the City (I think that is what it is called) and Junior League and the Baltimore Field Hockey Association.

Why am I talking about this you ask?  Well let me do what I do best and make a short story long.

The other day I was having an internal battle, a personal struggle, an emotional breakdown.......

Am I good mother? Should I work? Should I travel? Should I be a stay at home mom?

In March, I'm taking 4 work trips. My husband will probably roll his eyes saying "enough already" because I mention it often :)

I'm going to be away from my kids for probably 12 out of 31 days. That is a lot considering I'm already away from them most of the work day. If you're just joining my journey, I have 2 beautiful children. Just scroll up, you'll see!

The flip side to this is I really like my job. I get to meet new people all the time, I get to work in excel (because I'm a nerd) and my coworkers are extremely enjoyable. I've been doing it for a while now and I'm getting pretty good at it.

So, back to my story. I was looking for some kind of backup. Some reassurance that I'm not abandoning my children.  Because no matter how many times I tell myself I'm not, the feeling creeps back in every now and again.  So I went into my phone, went down each one of my contacts and saw NOT ONE other mother that travels for work (that I know of) (Maybe I just don't have enough friends, ha). OK, 1, but we are like friends of friends. (if she reads this she'll know who she is and probably laugh). So I did what any barely friend would do, I texted her! 

I pleaded, "what are we doing? is this the right thing? are we bad mothers?" and so on and so forth and she probably thought in her head, WTF, leave me alone, but instead. She said some great things and reminded me we do this for our children, our daughters, to show them that if we want to do something, if we want to run out into the world and be great and have that job that sends us places farther than we want to go and longer than we want to be away, we do it.  

I'm not playing this "should i work or be a mother gig" IT'S OVERPLAYED!!!! I leaned in alright. I'm also not playing the which is better card. I fold and everyone is different so leave me alone.

I made the decision, I'm not a stay at home mom, I'm a working travelling mother, but now what!!!  Everyone left me in the dust after the decision was made.  

So today I googled "working traveling mother". Feel free to google it. No I don't want to be a surrogate or a mother planning a trip for her kids. I want to know what other women like me do. I want to talk to them and hang out with them and tell them everything I hate about life and love about life because in reality sometimes no matter how hard you try, if it ain't you, YOU DON'T GET IT!

There in lies the void in my life.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy but it's like being a teacher and trying to describe how frustrating school is and return all you get is "well you have summers off" (like 80% of my friends are teachers)

Or being a stay at home mom and probably wanting to pull your hair out and all you get is "you don't work"

All I'm sayin is, where my girls at???

And because in the end, I am a mother and I wouldn't trade it for the world (unless matthew never stops teething)- here are my babies:

25 Weeks

How far along? 25 Weeks and 2 days Total weight gain: 16 lbs at my last appt about a week ago. With matthew I had gained 23 lbs at this poin...